Saturday, April 30, 2005
Where's the light...
Saw some flashes of light this weekend.....Its still hard....Trying to deal with these emotions...these betrail that I feel...Whether its right or wrong...
Its what I feel...
Still walking through the darkness, but starting to see some light....
Its what I feel...
Still walking through the darkness, but starting to see some light....
And the weekend begins....
I did something I haven't done in a long time last night....Those who know me know I don't drink a lot and on occasion I will have a lot....Well last night seem to be the perfect occasion... I had survived a long week at work and few tough weeks in my life...Things had gotten to a point where I could drink without the anger or the depression that I feel.
So a couple of friends came over....Order pizza....Watch my teams on TV and We started drinking....
At last count I think we ended working our way into the acohol reserves at the house....
What a great way to start a weekend.....
So a couple of friends came over....Order pizza....Watch my teams on TV and We started drinking....
At last count I think we ended working our way into the acohol reserves at the house....
What a great way to start a weekend.....
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Still haven't found what I'm looking for...
So what do I do with this pit in my stomach....The pain in my heart....As the days go on I try to stay busy and stay focus on trying to get things done.
Take care of kids. -Check
Work - Check
Sell House - Check
Move foward and don't linger in the past - ( In progress)
As I self title this in progress and must confess....I really don't feel like I'm in progress....I feel as if I'm still at that point on April 19. I know time has moved on...but I'm having a hard time doing so....
So how do I move on....
I just continue to try to take it a day at time and take one step at a time....
I can't tell you that I'm walking the right path....I can't even tell you I'm not about to walk off a cliff.....
I just continue on this path until I see the light...
Take care of kids. -Check
Work - Check
Sell House - Check
Move foward and don't linger in the past - ( In progress)
As I self title this in progress and must confess....I really don't feel like I'm in progress....I feel as if I'm still at that point on April 19. I know time has moved on...but I'm having a hard time doing so....
So how do I move on....
I just continue to try to take it a day at time and take one step at a time....
I can't tell you that I'm walking the right path....I can't even tell you I'm not about to walk off a cliff.....
I just continue on this path until I see the light...
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Moving On....
Over the past week I've been worried to death, angry as hell, dazed and confused, and simply dumfounded. So the question really is...
How do I move on when I feel like there still another shoe waiting to drop....
My friends think I'm wrong....they don't see how anything else can happen, but my gut tells me something else is there...
And everytime in my life I haven't trusted my gut, somethings happened....
So this is where I'm at, trying to move forward yet still feel like I'm stuck in this moment....
Waiting....Waiting for the other shoe to drop...
How do I move on when I feel like there still another shoe waiting to drop....
My friends think I'm wrong....they don't see how anything else can happen, but my gut tells me something else is there...
And everytime in my life I haven't trusted my gut, somethings happened....
So this is where I'm at, trying to move forward yet still feel like I'm stuck in this moment....
Waiting....Waiting for the other shoe to drop...
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Back to Normal?
Things are back to normal.....sort of
I get up in the morning, take care of the kids and go to work... After work I pick the kids and continue our normal night routine...homework, supper, bathtime, and bedtime....
But things aren't back to normal....
This emptiness is there....the doubt is there.....The darkness is there....
So how is this back to normal?
I get up in the morning, take care of the kids and go to work... After work I pick the kids and continue our normal night routine...homework, supper, bathtime, and bedtime....
But things aren't back to normal....
This emptiness is there....the doubt is there.....The darkness is there....
So how is this back to normal?
Monday, April 25, 2005
Just another Maniac Monday!
"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. You can't get there by bus, only by hard work and risk and by not quite knowing what you're doing."
Alan Alda (1936- )
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Friends...
You gotta have friends....
From the email's, to the calls, and the visits....
Its been a rough week...but throught it all....
They've been there...
From the email's, to the calls, and the visits....
Its been a rough week...but throught it all....
They've been there...
Since I'm talking Baseball...
You have to just love that George spent $200 million dollars on the Yankees this year and there only 8-11 and currently last place in their division.
I simply love watching the Yankees lose. It doesn't really matter how much money George spends. I just couldn't resist. This was supposed to be the Dream Team of baseball, and to this point in the season, there's simply another team with a losing record! (with a $200 million dollar payroll)
Maybe there's a god after all!
I simply love watching the Yankees lose. It doesn't really matter how much money George spends. I just couldn't resist. This was supposed to be the Dream Team of baseball, and to this point in the season, there's simply another team with a losing record! (with a $200 million dollar payroll)
Maybe there's a god after all!
Barry Bonds
Isn't it amazing how a guy getting his knee drained causes such a media stir....Can't they just let the old man retire in peace! Just kinding...I hope the press hounds him for next 5 years. For all that is amazing about Barry, what an ass. From a pure baseball prospect, what an amazing player, but from the constant and never ending media stories about and how he acts toward anyone other than his inner circle. I hope the press continues to make it a rocky road for him....
Some Good News...
On a little lighter note...I received some good news in the mail. Who would think? The postal service bringing good news!!!! Instead of the normal junk mail and bills, I got a pleasant surprise in the mail and now I finally think my house will close on time...
Tough Weekend...
Its been a very interesting weekend...
Spent most of the weekend cleaning and sorting through things at the house. It was pretty intense.....The flood of emtions and memories... At so many levels it so hard to deal with...At another level I'm trying to let go and just take it one day at a time. One minute I'm up and one minute I'm down. It seems the busier I stay the better I am.
Spent most of the weekend cleaning and sorting through things at the house. It was pretty intense.....The flood of emtions and memories... At so many levels it so hard to deal with...At another level I'm trying to let go and just take it one day at a time. One minute I'm up and one minute I'm down. It seems the busier I stay the better I am.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Another Day Another Dollar....
Time to work....
Call volume has been real strange that last few weeks. One minute your slammed with 20 holding and the next you've got 30 available... Its a roller coaster....
Call volume has been real strange that last few weeks. One minute your slammed with 20 holding and the next you've got 30 available... Its a roller coaster....
Dazed and Confused...
In my life I've always know what to do....How to move on....How to heal...
So why is it I have no clue...I'm just so lost....
Everywhere I go, I see something, something that reminds me of her... That perfect smile, that little smile that just melts your heart, the stupid Giants....
You have to risk to love, but I never knew the gamble was so high if you lost....
So why is it I have no clue...I'm just so lost....
Everywhere I go, I see something, something that reminds me of her... That perfect smile, that little smile that just melts your heart, the stupid Giants....
You have to risk to love, but I never knew the gamble was so high if you lost....
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Another Day...
Void....what do I do with this void in my life? This feeling in my pit of the stomach. I've been going over things in my head and I can't figure it out...So where do I go? What do I do?
Its time to start another day....Am I ready?
Its time to start another day....Am I ready?
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Take Three...
So after finally getting the love of my life and phone and from the previous email. She's gone....
Just like that....
Its been a heart wreching 3 days. I've slept a total of 6 hours and I wonder were do I start again? The other kids father and I have sat down and talked and will keep some open lines of communications. He understands that I have love for his kids as if they were my own and I will be able to continue to see them.
But its not that simple....on the cold black and white background of typing is just seems to come out. My hope for this blog is simply to vent and try to go forward. At this way I don't know which way is up, down, left, or right. I'm going to do the only thing I can do...Pick a direction and start walking the road of life...
Its very hard, I've lost the love of my life and she's taken something from me that I don't know if I will ever get back. She's taken my heart and soul...I've lost complete faith and was blind sided. The worst part is everytime I try to go with the flow and try to pick up the pieces try to move on.....I can't. I love her to much, her beings fills my heart a moment doesn't go by that I can't think of her. She is such a positive influence in my life and she's gone. I don't have any bad memories with her....Everytime I think of her it just makes me smile.
So here it is Take Three, Act1 - and it begins....
Just like that....
Its been a heart wreching 3 days. I've slept a total of 6 hours and I wonder were do I start again? The other kids father and I have sat down and talked and will keep some open lines of communications. He understands that I have love for his kids as if they were my own and I will be able to continue to see them.
But its not that simple....on the cold black and white background of typing is just seems to come out. My hope for this blog is simply to vent and try to go forward. At this way I don't know which way is up, down, left, or right. I'm going to do the only thing I can do...Pick a direction and start walking the road of life...
Its very hard, I've lost the love of my life and she's taken something from me that I don't know if I will ever get back. She's taken my heart and soul...I've lost complete faith and was blind sided. The worst part is everytime I try to go with the flow and try to pick up the pieces try to move on.....I can't. I love her to much, her beings fills my heart a moment doesn't go by that I can't think of her. She is such a positive influence in my life and she's gone. I don't have any bad memories with her....Everytime I think of her it just makes me smile.
So here it is Take Three, Act1 - and it begins....
Where do I go from here....
May 18, 2003- I just get back from Chicago on a world wind tour with my father and brother and all the pieces of the puzzle have fallen in place. At this point in my life I've been married 5 years and have been feeling the my life slip away every moment. What do you do when you realize that you have married the wrong person? It has taken me 3 years to get to this point and finally realize that it not good for my daugther or myself to live like this. So the planning begins and I now I have to figure out how to leave a marriage with mentally ill wife and a wonderful daughter.
July 16, 2003- The bomb goes off and I begin my new life. I have my daughter and I have my full support of my family. At this point in time as most of you know, you tend to find who your true friends are. I new this divorce would be ugly and that things what happen. I called all the friends I could to warn them and let them know what was about to happen. This was a life altering experience and one that didn't not come to in a blink of eye, but one of long internal struggle to try to balance the good my child vs my feelings. In the end I decided that although the process may be difficult my child would be better along and maybe somehow I can be than man I have to be.
With lots of support and lots of time I 've made it through...In my new chapter in life, I self titled it B2B or Back to Basics....All of my life I have always worked hard, but always wanted the best and didn't want to settle for less. I was extravegant, I was arragant at times, and above all else I cared more for personal belongings and having possesions than what my financial health looked liked.
I had started a new life, left with just my daugther and the clothes on my back. I was convince that this time around, this second chance to do things right that I would try my best to always make the best decision for my daughters health and my fincial stability.
August 2003-
I've started dating this wonderful woman who is simply amazing, she's successful and has 4 kids...I know what you mean 4 kids!!!! But she trully is a amazing person. Over the past 20 months we've grown together. She's helped through some tough times and we've had amazing times. I had fallen in love. She asked about marriage and I said I needed some time to work through some hurdles. I've never told her no, but said give me some time to work on my past issues. I told her I love more than any woman I have ever loved and I can see spending the rest of my life with you. We had common goals, we had the same retirement plans. It was like a match made in heaven. I can't believe how lucky I was to find such an amazing woman. Of course with any relationship we hit some speed bumps.
April 2005-
To this point everything is going great, we are making plans for the future, we are buying a huge house to live in. I was finally comfortable and feeling completly safe. I say that now, but that typically when dramatic changes happen and your right they did. My girlfriend says hey Ive got to go to this wedding out of town for wanna of my old friends, do you mind if I go. I said sure I don't mind. We book at ticket for her and then I get some wierd bells and whistles going off in my head over the next couple of days. I asked her to send the flight itenery so say okay, but it never comes. She unusually grochy and iritable. I know she's under a lot stress, because we had some major issues come up with her 18 year old son. So Friday morning comes and she's getting ready to leave for the flight she tells me when to pick her up at the airport on Sunday at such and such a time and her's her flight number. I ask her to call me when she gets there to make sure she's safe and she throws a big fit and in the end she says ok. ( Yes the bells were going off, but under the curent stress load she said she need a couple of days to relax and get away. ) Perfectly understandable right? So Sunday I get to airport and wait and wait and wait. About 15 minutes after the plane lands I get a text message that simply says, I don't know when I'm coming back, I'll make arrangements for the kids.
And boom! Just like that a A-bomb has just been let off in the middle of the family. Now the last few days have been a blur and been difficult to understand...No one knows where she is and she's not contacting anyone, Is this by choice, Is she being forced, is she safe? I start to look for answers and I find plenty, bits and pieces of information...till it all adds up to this...
This came to me 20 hours ago and yet another roller coaster for life begins...
From:Akasha G
To: vincentzoo
Apr 19 (20 hours ago)
I'm not coming back. You need to leave me alone and take a minute to figureout that obviously I was extremely unhappy and mentally a wreck! I did notabandon anyone. The dad can do THE JOB for once in my life. Welcome to myworld, now maybe someone will appreciate what I really did. I did try tomake arrangements for Jenna, I'm sorry if no one got my text messages. Youcan think whatever you want, it's time for me to freakin do what is best forme for once in my entire life. Clever one you are to log me.....I had thathappen to me once before, funny how people repeat patterns of picking thesame type of person they were with before. Everyone will adjust in thehousehold. You don't have to worry about anyone ever again but Parker andAudrey. I don't have to be anyone's babysitter. I am so sick and tired ofdoing and doing and doing. Just take my shit and throw it away, let theother dad handle everything else. I'm not going to contact you again,changing phone number, moving from where I am now. I will contact Greg next. I can not be everything to everyone anymore. All I want is to be leftthe fuck alone. This is not abandonment, it's finding me.
July 16, 2003- The bomb goes off and I begin my new life. I have my daughter and I have my full support of my family. At this point in time as most of you know, you tend to find who your true friends are. I new this divorce would be ugly and that things what happen. I called all the friends I could to warn them and let them know what was about to happen. This was a life altering experience and one that didn't not come to in a blink of eye, but one of long internal struggle to try to balance the good my child vs my feelings. In the end I decided that although the process may be difficult my child would be better along and maybe somehow I can be than man I have to be.
With lots of support and lots of time I 've made it through...In my new chapter in life, I self titled it B2B or Back to Basics....All of my life I have always worked hard, but always wanted the best and didn't want to settle for less. I was extravegant, I was arragant at times, and above all else I cared more for personal belongings and having possesions than what my financial health looked liked.
I had started a new life, left with just my daugther and the clothes on my back. I was convince that this time around, this second chance to do things right that I would try my best to always make the best decision for my daughters health and my fincial stability.
August 2003-
I've started dating this wonderful woman who is simply amazing, she's successful and has 4 kids...I know what you mean 4 kids!!!! But she trully is a amazing person. Over the past 20 months we've grown together. She's helped through some tough times and we've had amazing times. I had fallen in love. She asked about marriage and I said I needed some time to work through some hurdles. I've never told her no, but said give me some time to work on my past issues. I told her I love more than any woman I have ever loved and I can see spending the rest of my life with you. We had common goals, we had the same retirement plans. It was like a match made in heaven. I can't believe how lucky I was to find such an amazing woman. Of course with any relationship we hit some speed bumps.
April 2005-
To this point everything is going great, we are making plans for the future, we are buying a huge house to live in. I was finally comfortable and feeling completly safe. I say that now, but that typically when dramatic changes happen and your right they did. My girlfriend says hey Ive got to go to this wedding out of town for wanna of my old friends, do you mind if I go. I said sure I don't mind. We book at ticket for her and then I get some wierd bells and whistles going off in my head over the next couple of days. I asked her to send the flight itenery so say okay, but it never comes. She unusually grochy and iritable. I know she's under a lot stress, because we had some major issues come up with her 18 year old son. So Friday morning comes and she's getting ready to leave for the flight she tells me when to pick her up at the airport on Sunday at such and such a time and her's her flight number. I ask her to call me when she gets there to make sure she's safe and she throws a big fit and in the end she says ok. ( Yes the bells were going off, but under the curent stress load she said she need a couple of days to relax and get away. ) Perfectly understandable right? So Sunday I get to airport and wait and wait and wait. About 15 minutes after the plane lands I get a text message that simply says, I don't know when I'm coming back, I'll make arrangements for the kids.
And boom! Just like that a A-bomb has just been let off in the middle of the family. Now the last few days have been a blur and been difficult to understand...No one knows where she is and she's not contacting anyone, Is this by choice, Is she being forced, is she safe? I start to look for answers and I find plenty, bits and pieces of information...till it all adds up to this...
This came to me 20 hours ago and yet another roller coaster for life begins...
From:Akasha G
To: vincentzoo
Apr 19 (20 hours ago)
I'm not coming back. You need to leave me alone and take a minute to figureout that obviously I was extremely unhappy and mentally a wreck! I did notabandon anyone. The dad can do THE JOB for once in my life. Welcome to myworld, now maybe someone will appreciate what I really did. I did try tomake arrangements for Jenna, I'm sorry if no one got my text messages. Youcan think whatever you want, it's time for me to freakin do what is best forme for once in my entire life. Clever one you are to log me.....I had thathappen to me once before, funny how people repeat patterns of picking thesame type of person they were with before. Everyone will adjust in thehousehold. You don't have to worry about anyone ever again but Parker andAudrey. I don't have to be anyone's babysitter. I am so sick and tired ofdoing and doing and doing. Just take my shit and throw it away, let theother dad handle everything else. I'm not going to contact you again,changing phone number, moving from where I am now. I will contact Greg next. I can not be everything to everyone anymore. All I want is to be leftthe fuck alone. This is not abandonment, it's finding me.
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